The 100 unsexiest men of the year

Another year, children, another list of bores, bluffers, scammers, hypocrites, quacks, blimps, and ugly-buglies. We’ve sorted them out and, after meticulous and carefully calibrated calculations, determined exactly who are the unsexiest men of 2008.

We’re not talking about mere un-handsomeness or bodily imperfection here. We’re not talking about bad-hair days or bad breath. No, compared with the characters we’re about to unleash on you, your average lump (or indeed, your average male Phoenix staffer) is a walking Michelangelo masterpiece. These are, for the most part, men whose behavior is so wretched, whose character is so flawed, that it transcends traditional definitions of attractiveness.

Why do we do it? Why do we sit up in Phoenix Towers and bother to spend time determining who, among all the world’s men, stands lowest in our sexiness assessment? Because we have to. It is our quest and our crusade. Think of our mission as a green-minded

carbon offset of the soul, helping to restore karmic balance to the universe for the ills that, in most cases, these men have done. (A few poor stragglers haven’t done anything wrong, technically — they just somehow managed to rate high on our unsexy scale, anyway.)

Their names are drawn from across the spectrum of cultural and political life. Some of them are even reasonably “good-looking.” But put any three of these dudes together in a room and you have the potential for a catastrophic ectoplasmic reversal. Brace yourself: here are the 100 Unsexiest Men of the Year.



[46] BRODY JENNER
ODIOUS OFFSPRING

A mere henchman in the cabal of blithely famous celebrity offspring who infest New York and Los Angeles like a plague of overexposed, trust-funded bedbugs, Brody gets Unsexiest-points-by-association for being the former best friend of the world's biggest karma jackass (see number two on our list), and the stepbrother of a socialite-turned-porn-star. Mainly, we hate him because he couldn't come up with anything better to do with his slummy life than screw over Lauren Conrad on The Hills. But we're satisfied that, eventually, we know Brody's gonna look like his dad, fallen Olympian Bruce.



[2] SPENCER PRATT
MTV'S LOSER HILLS-BILLY

For half a second, we hesitated putting this shamelessly self-promoting, pimply Hollywood dirtbag on the list, figuring, no matter how bad, he'd enjoy the publicity. But in terms of sheer pulsating, aggravating creepiness, the Spencer train barreled out of the station and there was no turning back. So, as much as we know he'll enjoy his moment as a regional/national laughingstock, whatevs.

- thepheonix.com